What not to do with your GUKAPs

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

Not insignificant amongst recent events in our household has been the return of an adult offspring to reside with us. During the intervening ten years that has been child free we have, as one does, fallen into what we had considered to be our default, retirement, do-as-we-wish lifestyle, involving eating when and what we like, coming and going when we please, becoming pernickety about some habits and lackadaisical about others and considering that we have despatched our duty towards our progeny. In other words we have been gradually evolving into ancient, dotty creatures like our parents used to be.

Now we’ve all had to make adjustments, and although I must add that this is not the first time it has happened, or even with the same child, I find I am regressing to a former self; one who was a parent, with all the accompanying, irritating, overbearing, suffocating tendencies that such a role carries.

I say, ‘You can’t be warm enough like that’, or ‘Aren’t you going to eat before you go out?’, or ‘How are you getting home?’ or ‘Oh dear’. Being aware of this foible and its annoyance factor does nothing to prevent these pseudo-maternal utterances. They are out of my mouth before you can say ‘empty nest’, just as if I’m running on an automatic mummy circuit.

All this would be much more understandable if I’d been a natural, a homely ‘earth mother’ type when they were small. But motherly I was not. Oh, I loved them of course! But I’d been unprepared for the relentless clamour that babies and toddlers create; unaware that no minute of any day belonged to me, not to sit down and have a coffee, read a newspaper, browse in a shop, weed a garden border, have a bath or even to sit on a lavatory alone and uninterrupted.

Looking after babies and toddlers can be fun and rewarding. They are sweet and funny. It can also be exhausting, frustrating, lonely and boring. They demand all your time. They are messy and not always happy. I took a number of years off to tend to mine. I enjoyed seeing them grow and develop, but the loss of salary led to a Spartan quality of life. Whilst there were probably benefits to my being their sole carer I don’t think they’d have been worse off if I’d worked part-time.

Quality child care is essential to families these days. I fail to see how anyone is going to be able to look after 6 toddlers on their own. Two was hard enough for me [and they were my own children!]. Where is the connection between a less advantageous ratio of child to adult and it costing less? Or staff getting paid more? It is a demanding and a skilled job and the people doing it should receive the pay and status they deserve without compromising their conditions.

And as for grown up children? I shall probably continue in my bumbling attempts to be a mother until I croak. Do we have a term for them, an acronym [like SKIers or DINKies?]? Some call them Boomerang kids, but I thought GUKAPs might do. [Grown Up Kids At Parents].

Sailing too Close to the Wind?

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

So in this rapidly changing world, what will the transport of the future look like? What will fuel it? Will it be air, land or water based [or something else? Virtual?]? Who will travel? What will it cost? Will it be a luxury? Is it a luxury now?

Indeed, will there be travel at all? Why will anyone need to?

During a trawl for research into climate change, for a novel I’m attempting to write, I came across this website:

http://flood.firetree.net/?ll=48.3416,14.6777&z=13&m=7

It shows the extent to which the land will flood over progressively higher sea levels, which prompts speculation about the repercussions of such floods. We are already beginning to see the effects of flooding, with disruption to housing and transport. There must surely come a time when, as usable land shrinks, people will need to move higher. It may also be necessary to rethink the way we, and our goods, travel.

On large waterways, such as the Thames, or the French Seine, barges are a normal sight, but in the future, when land is at [even more of] a premium, why not capitalise by restoring the waterways and even building more? For instance, looking at the flood map it seems that North Somerset and South Devon may shrink to the point where Cornwall is almost an island, making it a fairly simple operation to build a transport waterway between the existing Bristol and the English Channels.

In thirty years’ time I imagine there will have not only been developments in vehicles and fuels, but in communications technology. Why, then are we going to be spending 33 billion pounds on a land-based transport project that may not even be needed? The intention to take traffic off roads is laudable, but who knows whether road traffic will be the same in 30 years time? It may all be electric, we may not need to travel so much, or maybe a completely new system will get invented.

Maybe we will even be re-thinking our attitudes to goods transport. We may have to limit imports and exports, grow more [and a greater variety] of foods, make more of what we need, perhaps think about using less. Radical? It’s beginning to happen already.

In the meantime I’d like to know who is going to be travelling up and down the country by railway on a regular basis and for what reasons? And how on earth this is meant to ‘generate’ wealth and business? If it’s only about shopping outlets at stations then there’s no hope, because how can that succeed where all over the country, high streets are failing?

Any answers? Chances are that I won’t be around in 30 years, but I’m still interested to know!

Reasons to be Cheerful…[part 1]

Posted on January 27, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

January is a gloomy month. Once the gluttonous, exuberant, over-consumption of Christmas and New Year is over there is little to recommend it. TV channels have exhausted their supply of money and ideas. It is long, cold, dark, often penurious…in the aftermath of all the spending…, and frequently marked by periods of nasty weather. Many are prompted to comment, ‘We are always caught out in this country’, ‘why aren’t we prepared?’ etc when airport runways and motorways are unusable, or ‘look at Norway’, ‘look at Canada’; ‘they don’t get caught out’! They don’t. But the reason we aren’t prepared in the way that they are, is that our climate has always been unpredictable, and getting more so.

In January we are bombarded with alluring offers: ‘Two for one on main courses for dining between 11 am and 12.30pm, choosing from the 2 for 1 menu’ [ie ponyburger and chips with garlic bread].

‘One extra night free during weekdays’ [at the Travel Inn Express, Uttoxeter motorway services…on the M6…you might be lucky and get a 2 for 1 at Little Chef [see above]].

‘Ryanair’s £8 winter seat sale’; [fly from Stansted, Luton or Manchester on a Tuesday or Thursday morning at 5.20am to an obscure airport fifty miles from eg Barcelona, Alicante or Marbella].

‘Cruise in the Med’ [I’ve made my feelings clear about cruising in the previous post], ‘from £199 [for two nights] or upgrade to an ‘exterior’ cabin for just an additional £50 each’. This extra £50 each is for a window. For two nights!

No, I’m not tempted by any of this. When I venture out into my back garden and scrape away some of the grey slush that is covering it I can detect some new, green spikes of growth where bulbs are beginning to show. There are fat buds on the camellia bush. It is all there, waiting in the wings of winter. In a couple of weeks the snowdrops will be up. I come back in and warm up with the wood burner. I make vast pots of soup. Curl up. Read.

At this time of year there is nowhere in Europe that is truly warm. So I prefer to wait, accept the vagaries of the weather and plan what we will do when the weather does, finally come out of hibernation. And be glad…because despite the miserable, cold, dark and wet conditions this is winter, doing what it is supposed to do. With any luck, then it will be spring. These are the seasons and we are fortunate to have them!

The Great Land Grab

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

That waterside properties have become so popular is surprising, when you take all the floods into account. You would think people would be seeking homes on top of mountains by now.

I don’t know when, exactly, a home with a view over water became an object of desire but when we bought our sea front house seventeen years ago its proximity to the sea was not mentioned in the advert at all. I first spotted a black and white picture of part of it in the local property rag, a blurred shot of the front door and surrounding brickwork, looking like a house on an [admittedly well kept] council estate. It was not until we made a trip to view the exterior that we realised only a road and a zig-zag cliff path separated it from the beach.

Since then we have seen a gradual but accelerating rebuilding of the properties along our road, every family home that is demolished being replaced by an apartment block, the plans endorsed by a council eager to meet the government’s targets for new homes, as well as satisfy the clamorous desire for living by some water. There is nothing wrong with apartments. In most heavily populated parts of the world they have become the solution to housing. Almost everyone living in Hong Kong has a lovely view of Victoria Harbour, albeit sandwiched in a flat somewhere within a forty story plus block.

The UK is not short of homes. There are many empty houses. They are in places like Stoke on Trent, where last August there were 5,000 empty ones. Terraced hovels can be bought for £1 provided certain conditions are met, but don’t get romantic ideas of stupendous views or chocolate box cottages because you have to renovate them, live there for five years and find some kind of employment in order to get a door on to the street and maybe a back yard. I’d have settled for that for a first home, though.

So as more of us want to squeeze into any, tiny gap by a river, lake, harbour or beach, less of us want to take up residence in a dilapidated back-to-back terrace in a rundown northern industrial zone.

There are rumours that here, along the seafront, the last remaining pub-hotels are due to be demolished, presumably to make way for still more apartment blocks; the revenue from such developments more than any publican, hotelier or hotel chain could make in their wildest dreams. Two more, nearby hostelries have been developed into flats in the last two years and another is ‘pending’. What’s next, as the availability of land in desirable areas becomes less? My vote goes to football pitches, and then to churches and churchyards, followed closely by betting shops, snooker halls, MacDonalds, Little Chefs and Pizza Huts…unless you feel differently?

A Journey through the Spooky Forest of Progress

Posted on January 20, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

There are new developments afoot in cash machine security. The next barrier to techno tea leaves might be ‘ear recognition’ which, we are told, is to be more reliable than fingerprints. Among the high street interviewees on the subject, one young man was quick to point out that this innovation would be embraced by young people but that older people might not find it easy to accept. He may be right, although if it was to be a case of placing one’s ear on to a screen, we geriatrics may be at an advantage, having grown used to placing our ears where we can more easily catch sounds.

Of course, the older generation is expected to be less able or willing to accept new developments in technology. I myself am something of a dullard in the use of my smartphone. It was in my possession for almost a year before I mastered the technique of answering a phone call and whilst I have worked out how to set the alarm I still haven’t learned the skill of switching it off, so it continues to chortle a merry ‘get up’ tune until I turn the entire phone off or smash it to pieces with a heavy object. I managed to get six favourite songs into the music folder, thereafter it stubbornly refused to accept any more, leaving me with a listening experience somewhat akin to ‘Heart’ radio.

A plethora of innovations was on offer at the Las Vegas electronics show, including exciting new developments in televisions. The sets grow larger, the definition more defined, the screens are curved, they are ‘intelligent’. All this is very thrilling…and fascinating. But what crowds out even the largest screen like the proverbial elephant is one undeniable problem. Having bought the latest, enormous, smart, ultra-HD, surround-sound, curved screen TV, what on earth are you going to watch? The quality of programming has declined in inverse proportion to the number of TV channels on offer. At our house we are reduced to watching BBC 1 and 2, with the fallback option of QI on ‘Dave’ as a stopgap for when ‘Waterloo Road’ or some quasi talent show is on.

But there may be a positive side to the dearth of watchable TV programmes. We may all discover the switch that delivers us from low budget crud and turns the screen to a soothing, restful black. Then we might discover the joys of reading, listening to music, playing games or even, perhaps, talking to each other. What a development that would be!

Who do they think we are?

Aside

Whilst only eight percent of the world’s population uses Facebook, apparently more than half of people in the UK are users. For such a large number of subscribers, it sure does elicit a lot of complaints. Hardly a day goes by without someone posting an angst-ridden message about breaches of privacy or dire warnings of the intimate photos of yourself you posted from a Costa Brava nightclub when you participated in a wet T-shirt competition getting sold on to cynical bra manufacturers’ websites.

As a digital dinosaur, it did take me some time to work out the privacy settings; also to figure out that I could ‘switch off’ the deluge of spam that showered down upon my page like effluent after ‘liking’ something [in order to get the proverbial, ‘too-good-to-be-true’ offer for something I do not want].

Then there are the adverts. Manufacturers and companies allegedly use your search history to target their adverts at you, supposedly knowing you better than you know yourself! You would expect, then that the ads down the right hand side of your homepage would be for the very things you know you want and need.

In the interests of research I have conducted a minor and extremely unscientific study on the subject of my personal ads, to find out exactly what I am like, according to the advertisers. I found the results hilarious.

1. I am a crisp eater.

The last time I bought crisps, other than those posh ones you buy for pre-dinner for guests, was when my children took packed lunches to school; about fifteen years ago-ish.

2. I am a pet owner.

About twenty years ago I was reluctantly persuaded by my then small daughter to get a hamster. It was vicious, slept all day, then ran away underneath the boiler and got burned [which did nothing to soften its character]. Much as I like other people’s animals I am not, nor have I ever been tempted to own one.

3.I am a teacher.

No. I used to be a teacher.

4. I wear this sort of shoe [what and teach?]

Stilletto wearing is not an activity I’ve mastered, much to my husband’s disappointment. Wellington boots, hiking shoes, trainers and trail sandals are more my style, [although I’ll cope with a low wedge if I have to do a wedding].

5. My holidays of choice are cruises.

Now this is something they’ve got badly wrong. I have never at any time made any kind of overtures towards cruise companies. The thought of willingly becoming incarcerated in a floating prison with fellow inmates I have not selected, getting stuffed full of food and having to watch glitter-clad cabaret entertainers has never appealed. We holiday in a tiny camper van. Bliss!

6. I am a Bingo player.

Bingo?

7. I wish to make a claim for mis-sold PPI.

No, no, no, no, no. how many more times? No!

8. I am on the way out.

They have one bit correct. But a funeral is not, actually on my list of activities to do in retirement. Do they know something I don’t, perhaps?

There are more; ‘grandchildren’s clothing’, ‘cutting belly fat’, ‘betting’,’skiing’, ‘wrinkly eyes’. But in a way, I do find it oddly reassuring that they’ve got it all so wrong. How much more spooky and disquieting it would be if they pushed the things I really do want. What are they? Not telling!

Stick a Plaster on it!

Posted on January 13, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

For anyone who is in any doubt that the National Health Service in this country is worth preserving I recommend that they read Lionel Shriver’s ‘So Much for That’. Set in the United States, it tackles the grim subject of terminal cancer and the awful reality of paying for the astronomic bills that such a complex health issue presents. The book illustrates the stark, cynical way in which health insurance providers work to fleece hapless patients and their families and serves as a salutary warning.

The pressures on a large organisation such as the NHS can only increase as the number of elderly increases [I include myself in this number]. Despite assuming responsibility for one’s own general health by eating sensibly, exercising regularly, rejecting smoking and attempting to curb alcohol consumption the issues of wear and tear begin to surface. This poses a dilemma I am unable to resolve. Until a few years ago I prided myself on the infrequency of my visits to the GP. Having grown accustomed to this lack of medical intervention in my life I continue to avoid making appointments, even when problems, [such as joint failures] interfere with normal life.

The result of all this procrastination is that problems begin to stack up, providing an even more complicated predicament. This is not good! When I do, eventually make it into the consulting room I find I’ve compiled a ‘list’ of complaints, which I’ve had to prioritise. I describe the main problem and then ask for other issues to be taken into consideration. I can’t help feeling this is a sneaky way to go about a GP appointment, but the alternative would be to schedule several, separate meetings. I imagine these visits in the future, pencilled in on the calendar with depressing frequency as I grow older.

So I prefer my current approach; but what does the average healthcare professional think? Would they rather us wrinklies waited and piled up our complaints in a bulging package of ailments? Or would they prefer to become increasingly familiar with our wrinkly chops as they see us on an almost daily basis?

I am, nevertheless very glad to be able to call on their services, as should we all be. The NHS faces a huge challenge as the population ages, but it is worth preserving, for sure.

The Worst of Both Worlds

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

The film, ‘The Life of Pi’ has been given nine BAFTA nominations. I went along to see it this week, curious from having read and adored the book, and was thrilled with the film adaptation, so the nominations, as far as I am concerned are justified.

Whilst in the cinema we were subjected to the usual run of trailers for coming films, including the also nominated ‘Les Miserables’-a film of a musical of a book. Hmm! How has this fashion for making films from stage musicals become so popular? Is there really such a dearth of original stories and ideas that producers and directors are forced to plunder the West End theatres to come up with new projects?

I have to confess to an enduring dislike of ‘musicals’. I am usually able to become absorbed enough in a good production and story to forget I’m watching a play, but my suspended disbelief hurtles to the floor with a stinging ‘ouch’ the second that anyone bursts into song. There are a few notable exceptions [‘My Fair Lady’ comes to mind] but any performance tagged with the loose term ‘show’ is an out and out no-no for me. Eulogies for ‘shows’ such as ‘Cats’, ‘Phantom’ or the cringingly nicknamed ‘Les Mis’ commonly praise the costumes, the set and the spectacle. Fair enough-if that is what one goes to see.

Don’t get me wrong. I love good music and regularly attend live performances of a variety of genres. I also love a well written, directed and acted play and would certainly be inclined to see a lot more of these if there were more on. [Those of us who live in the sticks don’t have easy access to the plethora of cultural delights London offers]. But good, plain drama is a rarity, probably due to the number of ‘shows’ doing the rounds instead. ‘Shows’ are worthy vehicles, I’m sure, but to me it is dumbing down culture-a presentation with humdrum writing, mundane music and so-so acting.

Worse still are the ‘shows’ being made into films! Watching the trailer for ‘Les Mis’ I felt, why not make a serious, non-musical movie from the book [as in ‘Life of Pi’…I shudder to think what a mess that would have been in musical form]. The last simple film of the story was in 1982, a French, made-for-TV version.

There is a wealth of new writing, and under-represented writing out there. Come on, producers and directors! More plays and films of books please! [But cut out the singing].

Boomerangst

Posted on January 6, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

I am bewildered by the idea that we, the so-called ‘baby-boomers’ have somehow ‘stolen’ from subsequent generations, obliterating any chance they might have had of a comfortable life. How were we responsible for their misfortunes and hardships? Of course I do realise as well as anyone that the financial woes of our own country, of Europe and of much of the world have provided huge challenges for the young. They want all the things that their parents have had, and more; who can blame them?

Yes, we were ‘lucky’ to have been provided with grants for further education, although many of us [myself included] qualified only for a partial grant. I seem to remember existing on the princely sum of three pounds per week. There were no such things as loans, gap years or credit cards. We entered the world of work [again, we were lucky] directly from study and lived in rented rooms in shared houses. We didn’t own cars. Our gadget ownership was restricted to portable, black and white TVs and cute ‘Dansette’, stacked single-dropping record players until technological advances provided the stereo [or steereo, as my father liked to call it].

But home ownership was not, actually the natural, expected, easy-as-falling-off-a-log move into materialism that is portrayed today. We saved up for deposits. Without the distractions of gadgetry, holidays or designer anything, it was our focus. It took years.

Property prices inflated. Something changed in the world financial markets. Some shady business was conducted in the banks. Most of us ‘Boomers’ are now bankrolling, housing and otherwise shoring up at least one adult child and/or caring for elderly parents, not the avaricious, money-grubbing, future-snatchers described in the press.

A Guide to the World of Batty Old Bids

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Grace Lessageing

Greetings to anyone unlikely enough to have entered the portal into the land where grey matter is disappearing as grey hair emerges. In this, the year I become 60, and in the spirit of New Year and resolutions I have finally overcome procrastination, breached the wall of complicated, new-fangled, confusing technology and set up a blog.

Getting started has not been without its difficulties and I admit to having succumbed to soliciting help from offspring, which leads me towards the content of this new venture. As one who is making the transition from middle to old[er] age, who has retired and is venturing haltingly into the wondrous and almost impenetrable career of writing I hope to become more disciplined by writing regular snippets.

What will the snippets be about? They will describe the view from this side of life’s mountain-where it descends the slope into the valley of old age. I’m hoping I can keep going even when I’ve forgotten my name, but I promise not to regress to a catalogue of complaints and hypochondria, ‘grumpy old woman’ style. That’s it! See you next time!

Anecdotage

Views from the Descent